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So I don’t like my job very much. It doesn’t make me happy (it has the reverse affect actually). Often, by the time I’m leaving at the end of the day, my thoughts are dragging behind me like a ball and chain.
It appears that negativity breeds quite efficiently, and negative thoughts attract and blend with other negative ideas very well. So by the time I’m getting in the door from work at night, I’m in a head-spin of woes’ me.
Clearly this has to stop, but my options to leave my job are limited at the moment because of my immigration status, so I have to find a way to deal with “what is”. Or as Pima Chodrin has said to “not look for a better today”. So, the teacher, (this situation) has presented itself, and I’m determined to achieve my gold star in the lesson.
It started last night as I climbed into a hot bath to ease my gloomy disposition. As I lay there steeping in the hot water, I suddenly became aware of the feeling of negative thoughts having a gong show style party in my wee brain. I then realized that I was observing the separation of my thoughts from myself, and instantly thought of this negative swell as a cloud and simply ordered it to melt. I physically felt the sensation of my thought swell, melting away until there was nothing in my head. The feeling of lightness and peace was instantaneous – I kid you not.
Conscious of what had just occurred and determined to keep it from coming back, I sat in the tub, feeling only the sensation of hot water, and listening to the sound of my breath. I got up, felt the warmth of the soft towel around me, and continued on with my night, determined to keep that cloud from returning by staying acutely aware of the thoughts I entertained.
I’m suddenly very aware of how my own thoughts are disserving my job satisfaction, and my general disposition at the end of the work day. This all may seem very rudimentary and obvious, but to actually experience the realization and transition from dark cloud to lightness is very, very cool.
So its tomorrow now and my continued commitment to “thought stopping” is top of mind. I’m curious if I can ward off the mid day “hate my job blues”.
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